rule #1

yesterday's most horrendous events keep coming back to me, landing with a thud in my gut. its so hard to reconcile what happened and faith (either in a merciful God or in humanity). i can not imagine feeling anything so intensely that killing 32 other people would make sense or in some way make whatever i was feeling better. it just can't add up. i do take comfort in knowing that God has promised to work all things for His glory, so i know that He will be working to comfort and minister to the people affected by this tragedy. and i know that the lives that were lost yesterday were lived according to his purpose, and while i'm sure that they weren't all christian, i know that their lives had meaning and that whatever they experienced yesterday was in the context of grace. there really is no way that such a tragedy can be explained.

which brings me to rule #1. my mother always says that the first thing that most people do when they feel threatened or angry or really almost anything is to find someone to blame. and i am abundantly sure that finding someone to blame really is not going to help this situation, nor do i believe that its likely to help in the future. so you think that the school officials should have closed the campus or put it on lock-down following the 1st shooting... if they had thought in any way, shape, or form that the massacre that would take place 2 hours later was a realistic possibility (or a possibility at all), wouldn't they have done something? to say that they have "blood on their hands" is inflammatory and hurtful. the people who lead that school (and most schools, i'd be willing to venture) clearly care enormously not only about the school as an institution, but also about their faculty and staff (who may have been colleagues or even themselves in other scenarios) and their students, not to mention their own reputations. to imply in any way that they should have seen this coming is to ask some members of our society to have super powers. i am confident that they wish that they could have done something to prevent what happened also, but i join with them in their grief, not in our tendency to cast blame. besides, it is way way way too premature to speculate about what could have been done. we don't know the shooter's motive, we don't know his circumstances, and we yet even know the names of the victims. i propose that we join with the family, friends, and others who have been affected by this event, pray for them, mourn with them, and wait for understanding. if a finger needs to be pointed at anyone, i return to the verse that instructs me to get the plank out of my own eye before the speck out of my neighbor's eye.

pride and prejudice

i just got back from a whole new world. my school. georgia state has made remarkable improvements in the last however many years, only i hadn't really taken advantage of them since i've been back in school there. we went down to the student recreation center today because the weather was so freaking cold and windy. seriously. at church, we saw snow flurries. it is april freaking 15. what's up with that? anyway... we had planned to do today as a pace run (code for track), but there were several obstacles. namely the freakish cold and wind. we even considered joining a gym so that we would have a place to run. fortunately, i'm a student, and students have access to rec centers! :-)

the place is really amazing - and the track is rubber so it was all nice and easy on our well-used and abused bones and muscles. there are all kinds of nice equipment pieces, good space, the building is beautiful, the people seemed nice. in short, it was great. and we ran really fast, which makes me v. v. happy. i'm proud to be a runner, and i'm proud of my school.

the prejudice part is the parking situation. who has ever heard of a school that wouldn't let its students park there? seriously. all of the student parking areas are closed on the weekends. that, in my dear sweet humble opinion, is retarded. i can't figure it out... don't they want people to use their facilities? their libraries? and i know that there are programs that have classes on saturdays, too! if i could get past that, i would probably spend some time complaining that the gym closes so early on sundays, but i need to get over the parking situation first!!

wall? that's what i call a black hole

so... i'm usually a pretty strong runner. i just don't have many bad runs, and until today, the only time that i had felt what i believe is "the wall" was during my 1st marathon... which i went into not wearing seasonal clothes (i was wearing shorts and a tshirt in 35 degrees), i hadn't eaten properly, and was generally off. so... i dismissed it.

today, jh and i headed out for a 16 miler. i had a good attitude about it - as i do most of the time about running. i even thought that not having water wouldn't be too much of a problem. it didn't feel that hot, it was cloudy, and it was just 16 miles. (just 16 miles... i crack myself up sometimes) well... the water was a problem. i pushed it back a few times, but by the end, i was seeing spots. my fingers were swollen, and i felt like i couldn't speak. my brain had either shrunk or swelled up - i don't know much except that it hurt! so... i had a bad run. i say that mostly because i can mainly remember what i felt like at the end, although i know that i was enjoying the parts before that. oh well... i guess that's the lowest common denominator in running. :-(

the human body

its a miraculous thing, isn't it? it 'gets over it' so much more easily than my heart does, it coordinates and communicates better than most people's ability to speak, and maintains balance impeccably. i'm awed to think about it.

i often reflect about how great it is that i can run. running is tough, and it wasn't so long ago that i was absolutely not capable of maintaining any level of exertion for an hour. and now i can run for 5, and still be ok. its amazing to me. who would have thought that 5 years ago i was often relegated to a wheelchair? its amazing. or that a year ago, i was in a sling and couldn't even open a car door with my left hand.

this morning, i woke up very aware of how much stronger my legs are than they have ever been before (diligent running will do that). and now, as i sit at work and struggle to stay awake i can't help but contemplate how it (the body) is trying to ensure that it gets what it needs. and there is really very little my will can do against the power of the needs of my body. the great thing is that it won't take no for an answer. go body!!

sucker-eriffic

ok... i suck as a blogger. hmm... no surprise to me. i am going to aim to do better though.

i'm very very very glad to be enjoying the day off today. everything in me and on me needs a break. and... its a rest day from running (so i'll ride my bike), but that means that my legs might, just might, start to feel a bit better. i didn't ice them overnight (like i have been), but that massage yesterday may have really helped. i had some soreness in my calves this a.m., but not that weird whatever-but-not-necessarily-pain feeling on / in the bone. fingers crossed!!

i have a paper to write for my family systems class that is giving me fits. its really hard to take your own family and write about its rules, communications, and how that impacts the members of the family (especially me). everytime i've started to write this paper, i've gotten angry and quit. its due next tuesday, though, so there can only be so much quitting between now and then. (i wonder if that's why i'm blogging now... after all this time... couldn't possibly be procrastination, could it?!?) why is it that family is so hard? is it that people are people and can't help but hurt or twist or rub one another in ways that we don't want to be hurt, twisted, or rubbed? i really don't think that its anything malicious... i don't think that people - especially family members - mean to hurt one another. its just that we, as human beings, can't help but to indulge our selfish natures, and in the process we hurt those around us. since family is most often around, they run the greatest risk of getting in the way. unfortunately, when that happens, when i get in the way, knowing that its not intentional only saves some of that hurt. :(